Seven Ways to Ensure Your Business Will Fail

Failed business

Here are Dave Doolittle’s tips on how to start a business that will have as much chance of getting off the ground as a balloon filled with rocks.

1. Make your product interesting. People will run like prey from predators if something makes them think.  Take books, for example.  Books like 50 Shades of Grey sell like hotcakes while only a handful of people have ever heard of Shillelagh Law.  It’s a crying shame but proves the point.  Come up with something interesting and drive people to the other side of the country.

2. Be honest. People will believe anything but the truth, 95% of the time.  It’s a fact.

3. Base your business on sound ideas. Most people are morons and would prefer pet rocks to a cure for cancer.  Can you blame them though?  Just think of how cuddly and soothing a pet rock is.  Especially when that mole on your back looks suspicious.

4. Thou shalt not steal. People are never happier than when you are picking their pockets. Look at all the dimwits shelling out for pricey designer clothes, bedspreads, stinky odors, you name it.

5. Never employ poor business practices. Remember, theft, embezzlement, and cheating are cornerstones of capitalism.

6. Treat your customers with respect. The average knucklehead prefers to be browbeaten, and views kindness with disdain and enmity.  That’s how telecommunication companies thrive.  A sure-fire way to drive pesky customers away is to provide proper service.  They will become suspicious and find a company more willing to spit at them.

7. Should you doubt any of these maxims; two words – Donald Trump.

Dave Doolittle, lazyman, shirker, and drunkard par excellence has spent a lifetime circumventing gainful employment.  To learn how you can do the same, get Dave Doolittle’s Resumes that Work So You Don’t Have To on Amazon!

Dylan Callens

About the Author...

Dylan Callens is a writer and educator living in Sudbury, Ontario. 

His debut novel, Operation Cosmic Teapot, was a resounding success. Since then, Dylan has written a number of other books, including his most recent novel, And the Cow Jumped Over the Blue Moon