Juju
for the
New You
Forget all the new-age nonsense from the past. Everything that you need to change your life is inside this book!
Juju Apprentice
Learn about the origins of Juju and prepare yourself for the ultimate journey. You will ascend from the fog of life and into a new, strange reality. After Juju level one, you will become a Juju Apprentice.
That Healing
Juju
In level two, learn about the great disease vacuum of Alpha Centauri and other, miraculous techniques for optimal health. I bet you didn’t even know there was a cosmic disease vacuum until now!
Dollar Bills Juju
Level three Juju is all about making the cash. Learn how you can use astral projection to rob a bank and get rich quick!
Also, learn about Midas Shower Oil — and yes, it’s as disgusting as it sounds.
Juju Luv-U
Marry Me! Dolls, caged lovers, and let the Earth Molest You! Juju that will make you feel good, get the person that you want, and take revenge on those you dislike. You can’t be messed with after mastering level four Juju!
The Juju Gift
Make a traditional Ouija Board with a unicorn hide and a donkey dong. Become the eternal mountain goat. Now you are becoming seriously powerful Jujuist.
Pyramid Power
In the final Earthly level, learn to use pyramid power. You’ll see how you can draw enormous energy and generate wealth with your very own pyramids. This will give you the edge you need to jump into level seven!
The Ultimate Juju
Become the infinite space baby and learn how to change the present and the future. Gain the life you want when you are the space baby.
Just imagine the power!
Cool
Beans
“I create life-threatening illnesses. I have learned the truth, that the body experiences what the mind experiences. My latest medical study was duping people into believing that they were sick until they got sick. Cool beans.”
-Dr. Darcy Lewis, Classics Expert at Culver University
Must
Read
“A must-read for anyone that wants an optimal life without actually doing anything. Truly incredible.”
-Dr. Orin Scrivello, Dentist Extraordinaire
An Excerpt...
Eyes closed. Don’t read these words. Feel them. Feel them with an orgasmic rainbow of love.
Breathe in love. It is a pink hue. Breathe in life. It is green. Breathe out fear. Fear is ugly.
Raise your energy by moaning. Uhhhhh!
Radiate this feeling of love in the space within your center. Give life to the Earth to let it live.
Feel it. Experience it. Become aware of it.
It’s all around you. Stay in tune. Care for it, love it, enjoy it. Let your orgasmic rainbow of energy carry the thought. It is full of intent. Let your love heal the sacred place. Everything in it and on it will be altered by your orgasmic energy.
Feel it. Become more aware of it.
Let all life on Earth touch it. Feel it.
You are floating into space. Watch the Earth get smaller as you drift away. See it in its glory – our home, sustaining life, in this infinite, vast space. Become aware of the vast space in your chest in the vastness of space. Holy shit, it is so vast.
Take the Earth and place it in the center of your chest. Bring life to it. Bring love to it. Breathe in the power of love and send it to the Earth. Breathe out. Breathe in your intent to heal it and send it to the Earth.
Bring the Earth closer to your heart. Think of the trees and oceans and mountains and deserts. Think of everything working in harmony. Balance the wholeness. Feel the wholeness. Let the wholeness feel you. Can you feel the wholeness feeling you?
Come on! Feel the wholeness feeling you harder.
Become aware of it.
Feel it. It’s within you, groping you from inside your chest. It feels fantastic – not like an alien trying to birth itself. It’s a gentle massage. It’s an intelligent love. Let it grow inside of you.
Remember to keep the Earth close to your heart. Let your love for life heal all of life. Live in harmony because we are in harmony.
Feel it in your chest. Let it rub you. Feel it.
Become aware of it. Experience it. Moment by moment by moment. Remember, it wants to please you. Every time you open your heart, the Earth extends itself inside of you, feeling its way down your chest, down your intestines, into your groin area. Every time you moan, it notices. Uhhhh!
When we feel awe for a sunset, it is the Earth rubbing inside of us. When we experience wonder because of the midnight sky, it is the Earth caressing our bodies. A gentle breeze is the Earth molesting us. We are connected to it. And we give energy to its field.
Bless it, give thanks to it, admire it. Celebrate it. Care for it. Take time to thank it for the orgasmic rainbows and enjoy it. And now, in reverence and grace and in humility, bring your awareness back to a new, perverted Earth.
You may open your eyes now. Remember, it’s in your heart. Remember, it’s reaching for your genitals.
Feel it. Uhhh!
READ MORE ON THE JUJU BLOG
The Greatest Juju Quiz Ever
Take this quiz to determine your level of Juju. And, learn how to improve your Juju game. It’s fun and hilarious.
Astral Projection for Getting Rich Quick
Imagine a beautiful white light surrounding your body. See it shine brightly, like a halo around your being. Feel its protection as it settles around
Healthy Lucky Charms
To create a sack full of healthy lucky charms, ensure that your altar is set up according to the pre-ritual ritual in level one. After