First off, let’s set a couple things straight: A) Geppetto was weird. On a scale from Jim Carey to Marilyn Manson, he was a Charlie Sheen, and B) There are no talking crickets in this story. A talking puppet is creepy enough.
One day, Geppetto was given a lump of wood from a carpenter who didn’t like the way that the log mumbled at him. Mumbling wood was bad for business, figured the carpenter. Since Geppetto could barely afford wood for his toys, he was very grateful. After examining it, he decided that he would turn it into a marionette. As he chipped away at the block of wood, it started to squeal and make strange noises. Geppetto was intrigued by this, so he continued to work. He gave the puppet a mouth. “Ouch, that hurt,” said the log. Geppetto smiled back, then etched out a pair of eyes and a nose.
As he continued to sculpt the body, he was surprised to find that the marionette’s penis grew. Geppetto chopped it down, only to have it spring up again, this time poking Geppetto in the eye. The puppet laughed and ran around the room, breaking lamps and toys along the way. Pinocchio sprinted outside, clicking his heals along the way until he stopped to urinate a watery sap along the side of a building, calling out, “Ahhhh, It feels so good to make some maple syrup!” A nearby cop nabbed Pinocchio and was about to haul him off to jail when Geppetto arrived to apologize, saying, “That’s my son. I’ll take him home and put some clothes on him. Sorry, officer.”
As Geppetto clothed the puppet, he explained, “Pinocchio, to make it in this world you have to be a good boy. You need an education. I’ll get you some books so you can go to school.”
“Okay, father,” Pinocchio was doing his best to behave.
Geppetto hurried to get Pinocchio some textbooks. When he returned, he gave Pinocchio four books, “Take these and go straight to school. Get an education and make me proud,” he rubbed the top of Pinocchio’s head.
The wooden boy began his journey to school but soon found himself staring at a tent and inside the tent was, of all things, a great puppet show. Ironically enough, the cost of getting into the show was four books. So, instead of going to school, the mischievous marionette handed his books over and went inside to watch. When the show began, another puppet recognized Pinocchio and shouted to him, “Hey, look everyone, it’s Pinocchio!”
Pinocchio gave a strange look to the other puppets and hollered back, “How the fuck do you know me? I’ll cut you.”
With a flick of his wrist, Pinocchio had a switchblade primed in his hand. The puppets crouched forward, circling each other as the audience started to boo. The puppet-master, Giovanni, strode onto the stage to see what all the commotion was about. He grabbed Pinocchio by the neck and threw him into a cage. Later that night, Giovanni was about to sit down and cook his supper, “I’m going to make firewood out of you, you little shit-disturber,” he yelled at Pinocchio.
Pinocchio shed sap from his eyes, “Please father, save me. I don’t want to die.”
Giovanni was astonished, “You have a father? And you can talk?”
“Yes. He spent all of his money on books for me. I was supposed to go to school, but instead I came here. I’m so very sorry.”
Giovanni felt bad for Pinocchio, “Your dad can’t even afford a few books? Here are five gold pieces. Go to your father and give it to him. Tell him to get his shit together.”
Pinocchio was grateful to Giovanni. He thanked him and started heading back home. During his trek, a half-blind cat and a lame fox caught sight of Pinocchio’s gold. They concocted a plan to get it, “Hey little boy,” said the fox, “How would you like to make more gold?”
Pinocchio was so happy at the idea, he exclaimed, “Yes, of course! But how?”
The cat put a paw around him and said, “Just beyond those hills lays a magical place called Miracle Meadow. If you plant your gold there, it will grow.”
Pinocchio jumped up and down, “Let’s go now, let’s go now!”
The fox smiled at the cat and they skipped merrily towards the hills. Soon, they came upon a neon sign that blinked, Miracle Meadow. The fox and cat looked to Pinocchio and said, “We’re here!”
Pinocchio, with parted lips, looked up in amazement, “Wow, what is this place?”
The fox took Pinocchio by the arm and dragged him inside. He laughed, “This is Miracle Meadow, of course.”
When they went inside, Pinocchio’s body stiffened as his eyes wandered from waitresses to waitress, admiring their skimpy outfits. He noticed the men hooting and hollering. Finally, his eyes settled at the woman on stage, dancing to hip-hop music. He rushed up to pervert’s row and sat, starry-eyed. One woman had an orange hue to her skin and, despite her meth-mouth, Pinocchio found her intriguing. After her set, she came and sat next to Pinocchio. “I’m Tangerine,” said the jaundiced stripper. She pulled Pinocchio close to him, “For just five gold pieces, I’ll give you a night you’ll never forget.”
Pinocchio couldn’t talk. He just nodded. Tangerine led him down a dark hall to an equally dark room with only a bed in it. She stripped off Pinocchio’s pants and started licking his penis. “Tell me I’m pretty,” she said between slurps.
“Uhhh, you’re pretty,” suddenly, his penis grew 6 inches in one shot.
She wrapped her lips against his woody. Pinocchio leaned his head back, “Oh yeah, so pretty.” Again, he grew another 6 inches, surprising Tangerine. When his mahogany rod jammed into the back of her throat, she clamped down on his phallus, causing a couple of her rotted teeth to stick into the wood.
“Ow! That hurt,” yelled Pinocchio, who promptly pushed her to the floor. He quickly pulled up his pants as best he could then ran back home to his father.
When Pinocchio entered the toymaker’s workshop, he told Geppetto what happened. Geppetto was jealous at the marionette’s success with the ladies. He screamed, “You little son-of-a-bitch, I will break off that dick of yours, it’s so big. In fact, come here, I’ll do it right now.”
Enraged, Geppetto reached for his hand axe and chopped off Pinocchio’s woody, promptly tossing it into a blazing fire. “You think you’re better than me? I’ll give you a lesson you won’t forget.”
“Please father, no! I won’t do it again,” his penis grew again.
“‘Damn right you won’t!’ And in one quick swoop, Geppetto threw the wooden boy into the fire. The wood hissed and crackled as Pinocchio sizzled on the flames. Geppetto laughed maniacally, as if this was his devious plan coming to fruition.
In that moment, Pinocchio’s sizzling wood turned to sizzling flesh and, as the pain grew more intense, he became a real boy. Just as he was coming to life, his life was coming to an end. The fragrant smell of burning wood was substituted with the reek of charred flesh. Soon a fine ash descended the room. Geppetto continued to laugh, lost in the insanity of the moment. And when it was finally over, he went to bed where he slept like a baby.