Understanding Gemstones and Powerful Juju

(Excerpt from Juju for the New You)

The basics of using gemstones in lucky charms or magically infused artifacts are quite simple; however, their effectiveness can be increased when considering the numerous stone associations.

When using any of these stones, you may wish to consider the moon and rising signs. It is sometimes crucial to do that because inanimate objects are often affected by the moon’s location and where the Earth is in its orbit. Also, choose stones according to their new-agey properties, which are listed below.

Later in this book, you will see many recipes that include many of the stones listed. However, feel free to experiment with any of the rocks. Just remember to take the stones seriously. While most mistakes will only set you back a little, big mistakes may cause serious harm.

Agate is associated with Taurus and Gemini. It attracts peace by vanquishing your enemies. Agate was used in the great historic battle of Peppercorn. When Lord Cayenne flashed his brilliant agate ring, the Sels became so afraid that they began slaughtering each other. Agate will also bring happiness and good luck. Using agate will allow you entry into all kinds of enclosed spaces.

Amethyst is associated with Aries and Aquarius. It is said that the true power of amethyst was found when John “Bluto” Blutarsky found himself in a drinking competition. While wearing a hat made of amethyst, he poured whiskey after whiskey down his throat, not feeling the effects of the liquor at all. He walked away from the event with barely a buzz. Unfortunately, his competitor died of alcohol poisoning later that night. Bluto, however, won the hundred-dollar bet. Amethyst also attracts drunken love but will not protect against sexually transmitted infections.

Beryl is not connected to any particular astrological sign. It was used by Sylvia Plath during her darkest hours to bring a sense of hope. The beryl therapy was working, but someone had cursed her with an agate-infused spell. That was why Plath stuck her head in an oven. Morals of the story: agate is stronger than beryl, and an oven will cook your head.

Bloodstone is connected to Scorpio and Pisces. Filipino warriors decorated their Kris swords with bloodstones, which would soothe invaders into a strange sense of calm. Once the opposing forces were subdued, the warriors would strike. The Filipinos slaughtered their enemies, hence, the origin of the name, bloodstone.

Coral is related to Taurus and Sagittarius. It is considered one of the most vital protective stones. Not many people know this, but Stalin ordered Moscow’s entire city to be encased in coral during WWII. This is why the Nazis were never able to take the city. Coral will protect you from all kinds of bad Juju like the evil eye, evil spells, natural disasters, and Nazis. Wearing coral is better than Kevlar.

Diamond is associated with Aries and Leo. Without the help of diamonds, the British Royal Family would be a bunch of grifters. As the royals stole diamonds, their power and influence grew until they finally had domain over large portions of the world. A diamond’s power cannot be overstated.

Emerald is associated with Taurus, Gemini, and Cancer. Emeralds will allow you to see into the future, which is a convenient thing to do. This is how Bill Gates amassed his fortune. He used a jar full of emeralds to look into the future. Emeralds also return harmful spells to the sender, which is also part of Gates’ story. When Steve Jobs cursed Gates, Bill had the power of emeralds on his side. The curse was returned to Steve, and that is what really happened to Jobs.

Garnet is closely connected to Aries. It is tedious, stuffy, and Victorian. So, fuck garnet. It’s not going to get you anywhere.

Jasper is associated with Scorpio. It is said that Bob Probert of the Detroit Red Wings used to wear a protective (and decorative) jock made from jasper. This stone’s protective powers were so incredible that he was never injured because of it. It’s great for anyone that wants to do dangerous things and not get hurt.

Jade is associated with Virgo, Libra, and Aquarius. It will enhance all of your powers. Personally, I wear an entire suit made out of jade. I recommend making clothing from jade because it is so powerful that it might even make you immortal. It provides good luck and protection from disease. It’s pretty awesome shit.

Lapis Lazuli is associated with Sagittarius. Aside from being an important stone in Minecraft, it is a kick-ass gemstone in real life. It will attract powerful spirits. It also lends supernatural powers to those who possess it. David Copperfield keeps a pocketful of lapis lazuli, which is why he is so magical.

Moonstone is associated with Cancer. It is the stone of love. Josephine hated Napoleon Bonaparte until he hypnotized her with a moonstone. After that, she was love-struck with the tiny man.

Opal is associated with Cancer, Libra, and Scorpio. Unless you are Cancer, Libra, or a Scorpio, stay the fuck away from this gemstone. It will most likely make your ears bleed and may even kill you. If you are a Cancer, Libra, or Scorpio, then you should definitely use opal. It will provide its user an extra helping of good luck and grant you genius-level mental powers.

Ruby is associated with Leo and Capricorn. Rubies catch a little bit of everything. They are the jack-of-all-trades but master of none in the gemstone world. It will bring some power, loyalty, and courage. It protects from trouble and is an aid in love and passion. Rubies are great if you want to carry around just one gemstone instead of a pocketful of them.

 Sapphire is associated with Taurus, Virgo, Libra, and Aquarius. These stones are Earth’s gift to humankind by radiating gentleness and peace. This was the gemstone that Joan of Arc carried with her. Unfortunately, it’s also why she was burned as a witch.

Topaz is associated with Aries and Scorpio. It gives protection to actors and provides extra power for evil people. John Travolta carries topaz, which is why he resurfaces from time to time. As society becomes comfortable with the idea that his acting career is over, bam! The Trav is back. Thanks, topaz.

Turquoise is associated with Taurus, Libra, and Sagittarius. It is the best stone for reducing bodily and mental tensions. It is said that with only three rubs of the turquoise directly on an afflicted spot, your stresses will melt into bliss. It’s also known as whore’s stone.

Zircon is associated with Taurus and Aquarius. This stone will bring you fame and fortune. Without zircon, there is no way in hell that Keanu Reeves would have made it in Hollywood. If you want to be famous like the Nanu, you should keep zircon handy.